You Humble Me Lord

"You humble me Lord..."

I think weight and fat and food and laziness... all of those things are my "thorn in the flesh" in this life. I think this will be my issue that I deal with the rest of my life, and God will allow this for this simple reason - I must remember that I am nothing without Him.

I've always had this image in my head of this perfect, godly girl in my head that I'm "meant to be." Interesting, how this whole time I keep seeing this woman as someone perfect, constantly helping others, and not so much in need of support herself. This woman has one thing that is always the first thing you notice as different between who I am now and her - she is NOT overweight and totally has that aspect of life under control.

Heh.

I don't think God wants me to beat myself up the rest of my life. However, I do think He has a certain habit of taking our messed up selves and scars and wretched habits into something for His glory. I think that's exactly what He'd like to do with this in my life - my weight can be a weight of glory instead - if you will.

I can't do it without Him. I keep thinking I can. I cannot. It's too big for me. I must submit this to Him everyday - NOT OUT OF GUILT, but out of humility and out of acknowledgment that I need Him.

It might feel like guilt sometimes, but I pray that You help me to understand and have wisdom to know the difference between gentle chastisement and guidance, over guilt.

* I'll start praying before I eat to submit the food to His hands.

* I'll start my days on my knees to give thanks for the new day and possibilities, and to ask for strength to live for Him today.

* I'll repeat certain verses and thoughts to myself that tell me what He thinks about me, not what I or the world thinks.

* I'll start keeping this journal in order to try and pinpoint other ways I can submit better to Him in the health department, as well as other ways.

* I'll pray, and choose Him, because my choices matter, and I matter because of Him.

Father,

Thank you for this reminder and glimpse into something beautiful that You can do with me. I pray for humility to the core, and that my heart accepts Your task for me in joy and not bitterness. Give me wisdom to accept guidance, but not misplaced guilt. Give me ears to hear You and Your words, and a heart open enough to let them change my life and crumble the walls I use to try and keep me safe. I pray that You keep me safe and give me strength, and that I stop looking for it elsewhere. Help me to understand when it's just simply a choice to not eat the cookie, and when it's a bigger spiritual battle than that going on behind the scenes. Help me remember and believe that every choice either takes me a step closer to You, or a step farther away. Change and mold my heart to want to submit to You, and accept my cross and "thorns" in life. Otherwise, You can't do anything with me. You have the ability to make things, including being fat, into beautiful things - only if I am willing to let You take center stage and the praise for such accomplishments in my life. It's got to be all You. I ask for forgiveness for constantly wanting it for myself instead. Please continue to humble me and help me understand that You deserve it all - all the glory, praise, and affirmation. Help me understand the difference between low self-esteem, and humility with Christ. I am Your Daughter - this gives me life and dignity, not the good things that I do. You do those good things through me, or are the reason and strength that enable to do them. It's hard not accept affirmation that isn't mine - but I pray that You help me do so, and to give it back to You where it belongs. It's so hard Father. Give me wisdom to understand how to accept compliments and let them uplift my heart and self-esteem without becoming prideful, and always giving glory to You. I don't know how to do this.

I want my weight loss and health to glorify You - I really do Father. I want it to be a way to minister to others and encourage others towards You. I pray that it does.

Now, help me shake the dust off my feet, and move forward in Your strength; give me guidance and maturity. We have a goal waiting for us! And another one after that... and another... and the journey goes on...