Trying to get me back to You

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”
- Mary Manin Morrissey


Do you think the fact that I keep getting more and more overweight really has to do with the fact that I'm afraid Lord? What about the fact that I am 23 and still single?

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
- Epicurus

I used to live in a cave Lord. I was cut off from any real opportunities to live in many many ways. Now I am out here... and I'm hating it. I still cope with everything the way I learned to cope back in my cave. I become lazy, off in a dream world, I fixate on something - usually a negative issue, I sleep, I watch TV, and I eat.

...

I wonder why I'm fat? Lol.

All change is hard. I think the reason I still have not changed these habits is because they are my comfort. How can I give up the things that comfort me?

How can I do that?

... God... I don't understand how you can ask that of me? Sometimes I really feel like those things are my only comfort in life... and that everything else is wrapped in stress and awkwardness.

I feel like sometimes You expect too much out of me... out of all Your children. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that or not... but I still feel that way at times, so I thought I'd just let it be stated.

But none of that matters. It is what it is. I wish so desperately it could be different... but it's not. Life is hard. The things I want are definitely NOT just coming to me naturally. I am overweight... severely. I am ultra-virgin single. I am far from You. I am not involved in ministry, or purpose, or a calling that I believe You've equipped me to do.

I'm lost.

I start to fixate on a new boy to distract me from it.
I HATE school. And all that comes with it.
I crumble under pressure and performance. I so wish I didn't....

Do you think if I lost the weight, that other areas of my life would start to look up? If I gained confidence through doing something about my weight... I think other areas of my life would start to look up.

So how do I do this? How do You and I conquer my greatest temptation and crutch in life?

One day at a time?
Yes. Cliche, but still true.

I feel an emotional attachment to food... You know that. That fear that I won't ever get it back... that I'm giving up something precious, that numbs the pain of the absence of other things.

It's like I keep stomping my feet like a four year old yelling out "I don't wanna!" at You. I'm being ridiculous. I'm wanting to get the candy and the pay off without working my ass off to get it.

...

You're not just going to give it to me are You?

You want me to come to You... oh man... You're trying to get me to come back to You. If You just gave me what I wanted, I wouldn't even talk to You.