The Feelings WIll Change

Christians are supposed not merely to endure change, nor even to profit by it, but to cause it.
Harry Emerson Fosdick

I'm depressed again Lord. Life is sooooooo not how it's suppose to be. Life is a thousand times more difficult than I ever thought it was going to be. Or at least... it's difficult because I don't want to settle for the mundane. If I settled for the mundane... life would be easy, but also boring, and unfulfilling. So I am stuck in this inbetween of pure hate towards change, and also desperately wanting change to invade not only my life but my very soul. Where have You gone?

Recently Sarah and I have come to a sort of crossroads in our friendship - it makes me ache so. She - and now Michael too - are my family to me, and now... it's all so uncertain. It hurts that she doesn't want to spend any time with me... it hurts very deeply - but on an unbiased perspective, I kind of understand why she doesn't want to listen to me anymore.

I'm turning into my mother.
I never move forward... I just stay stuck in the same issues, not changing, but talking about and analyzing change till kingdom come. I slowly drive not just myself mad, but those around me mad because I keep seeking answers that don't exist. A magical solution to my problems... I desire that... I seek it... and to accept that it won't come it so difficult for me because then I know how damn hard it is in reality if I ever want my dreams to come true. It's all so scary.

If it's all really this hard... if it all really takes this much discipline... I don't think I'll ever get better. It's just too hard.

My heart and soul just aches, mostly with loneliness and fear that nothing will ever get any better than this. I shove it down with food. Food is my comfort and has been for forever.

I'm so fuckin' fed up with myself!

Stop whining.... stop complaining... DO SOMETHING!!! I still scream that at my mother all the time.... "DOOOOO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!" At this point, I don't give a damn what it is, just do anything, besides the same old routine of talking about it to death.

I don't know how to break the cycle Lord.
I don't know how to stop myself from continuing to be her.
I don't know how to cope without food.
I don't know how to live an energetic life instead of a lazy one.
I don't think I am capable of believing the good stuff anymore, because life has shown such a vastly different story.
I don't know how to unstuck myself.

I know my being annoying and boring is not just Sarah's fault - there's a reason I don't keep her attention anymore. While I think I am still entitled to be hurt, I still get it. I get why it's so damn annoying to listen to me - because I have been on the other side of that for 23 years now - listening to my own mother talk to death about change, and then never change anything.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!


Feelings take over everything for me. To do something, in spite of the fact that I don't feel like doing it, is just ludicrous to me, or at least it feels ludicrous. My emotions, feelings, thoughts, rationalizations dictate how I live my life. Isn't it like that for everyone?
No... there are a few who have a higher discipline than that. The problem is, I usually don't like those people.... For instance, Sarah has made some really wonderful changes in her life to help herself body wise and looks wise. I like her less now though, and in being honest with myself, I don't think it's because I'm jealous. I just don't like the attitude that comes with people who "take care of themselves" - it's like they're than the rest of the world. It's awful. I can understand feeling that way, having put all that work into it, and seeing those who don't - you can develop a disdain for them. I get it. I just don't like it.

Breaking the cycle won't do me any good if I just keep returning to it because my feelings haven't changed.
But feelings shouldn't dictate.
Feelings will follow if I stick with it long enough....
The feelings will come.
The feelings will come. The Feelings will change.
I have to break the cycle.
I have to break the cycle.
I have to break the cycle.
The feelings will change.