Saturday, April 20, 2013
Thursday, November 24, 2011
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Phase 1 - Measurements & Weight 11/24/2011
Bust: 49 inches
Chest: 42 inches
Upper Arms: 17 inches
Waist: 47 inches
Hips: 56 inches
Thighs: 31 inches
Weight: 259 lbs.
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Phase 1
My Goal:
Establish a regular exercise habit.
What I'll Need:
Establish a regular exercise habit.
What I'll Need:
- A digital scale.
- Workout clothes.
- Good attitude about exercise - c'mon, it's only 30 minutes!
- A plastic tape measure.
- Why cardio exercise is the place to start.
- Why eating breakfast is so important.
- How to take my measurements.
- The math of losing weight.
Monday, July 18, 2011
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I'm depressed again Lord. Life is sooooooo not how it's suppose to be. Life is a thousand times more difficult than I ever thought it was going to be. Or at least... it's difficult because I don't want to settle for the mundane. If I settled for the mundane... life would be easy, but also boring, and unfulfilling. So I am stuck in this inbetween of pure hate towards change, and also desperately wanting change to invade not only my life but my very soul. Where have You gone?
Recently Sarah and I have come to a sort of crossroads in our friendship - it makes me ache so. She - and now Michael too - are my family to me, and now... it's all so uncertain. It hurts that she doesn't want to spend any time with me... it hurts very deeply - but on an unbiased perspective, I kind of understand why she doesn't want to listen to me anymore.
I'm turning into my mother.
I never move forward... I just stay stuck in the same issues, not changing, but talking about and analyzing change till kingdom come. I slowly drive not just myself mad, but those around me mad because I keep seeking answers that don't exist. A magical solution to my problems... I desire that... I seek it... and to accept that it won't come it so difficult for me because then I know how damn hard it is in reality if I ever want my dreams to come true. It's all so scary.
If it's all really this hard... if it all really takes this much discipline... I don't think I'll ever get better. It's just too hard.
My heart and soul just aches, mostly with loneliness and fear that nothing will ever get any better than this. I shove it down with food. Food is my comfort and has been for forever.
I'm so fuckin' fed up with myself!
Stop whining.... stop complaining... DO SOMETHING!!! I still scream that at my mother all the time.... "DOOOOO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!" At this point, I don't give a damn what it is, just do anything, besides the same old routine of talking about it to death.
I don't know how to break the cycle Lord.
I don't know how to stop myself from continuing to be her.
I don't know how to cope without food.
I don't know how to live an energetic life instead of a lazy one.
I don't think I am capable of believing the good stuff anymore, because life has shown such a vastly different story.
I don't know how to unstuck myself.
I know my being annoying and boring is not just Sarah's fault - there's a reason I don't keep her attention anymore. While I think I am still entitled to be hurt, I still get it. I get why it's so damn annoying to listen to me - because I have been on the other side of that for 23 years now - listening to my own mother talk to death about change, and then never change anything.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Feelings take over everything for me. To do something, in spite of the fact that I don't feel like doing it, is just ludicrous to me, or at least it feels ludicrous. My emotions, feelings, thoughts, rationalizations dictate how I live my life. Isn't it like that for everyone?
No... there are a few who have a higher discipline than that. The problem is, I usually don't like those people.... For instance, Sarah has made some really wonderful changes in her life to help herself body wise and looks wise. I like her less now though, and in being honest with myself, I don't think it's because I'm jealous. I just don't like the attitude that comes with people who "take care of themselves" - it's like they're than the rest of the world. It's awful. I can understand feeling that way, having put all that work into it, and seeing those who don't - you can develop a disdain for them. I get it. I just don't like it.
Breaking the cycle won't do me any good if I just keep returning to it because my feelings haven't changed.
But feelings shouldn't dictate.
Feelings will follow if I stick with it long enough....
The feelings will come.
The feelings will come. The Feelings will change.
I have to break the cycle.
I have to break the cycle.
I have to break the cycle.
The feelings will change.
The Feelings WIll Change
Christians are supposed not merely to endure change, nor even to profit by it, but to cause it.
Harry Emerson Fosdick
I'm depressed again Lord. Life is sooooooo not how it's suppose to be. Life is a thousand times more difficult than I ever thought it was going to be. Or at least... it's difficult because I don't want to settle for the mundane. If I settled for the mundane... life would be easy, but also boring, and unfulfilling. So I am stuck in this inbetween of pure hate towards change, and also desperately wanting change to invade not only my life but my very soul. Where have You gone?
Recently Sarah and I have come to a sort of crossroads in our friendship - it makes me ache so. She - and now Michael too - are my family to me, and now... it's all so uncertain. It hurts that she doesn't want to spend any time with me... it hurts very deeply - but on an unbiased perspective, I kind of understand why she doesn't want to listen to me anymore.
I'm turning into my mother.
I never move forward... I just stay stuck in the same issues, not changing, but talking about and analyzing change till kingdom come. I slowly drive not just myself mad, but those around me mad because I keep seeking answers that don't exist. A magical solution to my problems... I desire that... I seek it... and to accept that it won't come it so difficult for me because then I know how damn hard it is in reality if I ever want my dreams to come true. It's all so scary.
If it's all really this hard... if it all really takes this much discipline... I don't think I'll ever get better. It's just too hard.
My heart and soul just aches, mostly with loneliness and fear that nothing will ever get any better than this. I shove it down with food. Food is my comfort and has been for forever.
I'm so fuckin' fed up with myself!
Stop whining.... stop complaining... DO SOMETHING!!! I still scream that at my mother all the time.... "DOOOOO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!" At this point, I don't give a damn what it is, just do anything, besides the same old routine of talking about it to death.
I don't know how to break the cycle Lord.
I don't know how to stop myself from continuing to be her.
I don't know how to cope without food.
I don't know how to live an energetic life instead of a lazy one.
I don't think I am capable of believing the good stuff anymore, because life has shown such a vastly different story.
I don't know how to unstuck myself.
I know my being annoying and boring is not just Sarah's fault - there's a reason I don't keep her attention anymore. While I think I am still entitled to be hurt, I still get it. I get why it's so damn annoying to listen to me - because I have been on the other side of that for 23 years now - listening to my own mother talk to death about change, and then never change anything.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Feelings take over everything for me. To do something, in spite of the fact that I don't feel like doing it, is just ludicrous to me, or at least it feels ludicrous. My emotions, feelings, thoughts, rationalizations dictate how I live my life. Isn't it like that for everyone?
No... there are a few who have a higher discipline than that. The problem is, I usually don't like those people.... For instance, Sarah has made some really wonderful changes in her life to help herself body wise and looks wise. I like her less now though, and in being honest with myself, I don't think it's because I'm jealous. I just don't like the attitude that comes with people who "take care of themselves" - it's like they're than the rest of the world. It's awful. I can understand feeling that way, having put all that work into it, and seeing those who don't - you can develop a disdain for them. I get it. I just don't like it.
Breaking the cycle won't do me any good if I just keep returning to it because my feelings haven't changed.
But feelings shouldn't dictate.
Feelings will follow if I stick with it long enough....
The feelings will come.
The feelings will come. The Feelings will change.
I have to break the cycle.
I have to break the cycle.
I have to break the cycle.
The feelings will change.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
0
Trying to get me back to You
“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”
- Mary Manin Morrissey
Do you think the fact that I keep getting more and more overweight really has to do with the fact that I'm afraid Lord? What about the fact that I am 23 and still single?
“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
- Epicurus
I used to live in a cave Lord. I was cut off from any real opportunities to live in many many ways. Now I am out here... and I'm hating it. I still cope with everything the way I learned to cope back in my cave. I become lazy, off in a dream world, I fixate on something - usually a negative issue, I sleep, I watch TV, and I eat.
...
I wonder why I'm fat? Lol.
All change is hard. I think the reason I still have not changed these habits is because they are my comfort. How can I give up the things that comfort me?
How can I do that?
... God... I don't understand how you can ask that of me? Sometimes I really feel like those things are my only comfort in life... and that everything else is wrapped in stress and awkwardness.
I feel like sometimes You expect too much out of me... out of all Your children. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that or not... but I still feel that way at times, so I thought I'd just let it be stated.
But none of that matters. It is what it is. I wish so desperately it could be different... but it's not. Life is hard. The things I want are definitely NOT just coming to me naturally. I am overweight... severely. I am ultra-virgin single. I am far from You. I am not involved in ministry, or purpose, or a calling that I believe You've equipped me to do.
I'm lost.
I start to fixate on a new boy to distract me from it.
I HATE school. And all that comes with it.
I crumble under pressure and performance. I so wish I didn't....
Do you think if I lost the weight, that other areas of my life would start to look up? If I gained confidence through doing something about my weight... I think other areas of my life would start to look up.
So how do I do this? How do You and I conquer my greatest temptation and crutch in life?
One day at a time?
Yes. Cliche, but still true.
I feel an emotional attachment to food... You know that. That fear that I won't ever get it back... that I'm giving up something precious, that numbs the pain of the absence of other things.
It's like I keep stomping my feet like a four year old yelling out "I don't wanna!" at You. I'm being ridiculous. I'm wanting to get the candy and the pay off without working my ass off to get it.
...
You're not just going to give it to me are You?
You want me to come to You... oh man... You're trying to get me to come back to You. If You just gave me what I wanted, I wouldn't even talk to You.
- Mary Manin Morrissey
Do you think the fact that I keep getting more and more overweight really has to do with the fact that I'm afraid Lord? What about the fact that I am 23 and still single?
“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
- Epicurus
I used to live in a cave Lord. I was cut off from any real opportunities to live in many many ways. Now I am out here... and I'm hating it. I still cope with everything the way I learned to cope back in my cave. I become lazy, off in a dream world, I fixate on something - usually a negative issue, I sleep, I watch TV, and I eat.
...
I wonder why I'm fat? Lol.
All change is hard. I think the reason I still have not changed these habits is because they are my comfort. How can I give up the things that comfort me?
How can I do that?
... God... I don't understand how you can ask that of me? Sometimes I really feel like those things are my only comfort in life... and that everything else is wrapped in stress and awkwardness.
I feel like sometimes You expect too much out of me... out of all Your children. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that or not... but I still feel that way at times, so I thought I'd just let it be stated.
But none of that matters. It is what it is. I wish so desperately it could be different... but it's not. Life is hard. The things I want are definitely NOT just coming to me naturally. I am overweight... severely. I am ultra-virgin single. I am far from You. I am not involved in ministry, or purpose, or a calling that I believe You've equipped me to do.
I'm lost.
I start to fixate on a new boy to distract me from it.
I HATE school. And all that comes with it.
I crumble under pressure and performance. I so wish I didn't....
Do you think if I lost the weight, that other areas of my life would start to look up? If I gained confidence through doing something about my weight... I think other areas of my life would start to look up.
So how do I do this? How do You and I conquer my greatest temptation and crutch in life?
One day at a time?
Yes. Cliche, but still true.
I feel an emotional attachment to food... You know that. That fear that I won't ever get it back... that I'm giving up something precious, that numbs the pain of the absence of other things.
It's like I keep stomping my feet like a four year old yelling out "I don't wanna!" at You. I'm being ridiculous. I'm wanting to get the candy and the pay off without working my ass off to get it.
...
You're not just going to give it to me are You?
You want me to come to You... oh man... You're trying to get me to come back to You. If You just gave me what I wanted, I wouldn't even talk to You.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
0
You Humble Me Lord
"You humble me Lord..."
I think weight and fat and food and laziness... all of those things are my "thorn in the flesh" in this life. I think this will be my issue that I deal with the rest of my life, and God will allow this for this simple reason - I must remember that I am nothing without Him.
I've always had this image in my head of this perfect, godly girl in my head that I'm "meant to be." Interesting, how this whole time I keep seeing this woman as someone perfect, constantly helping others, and not so much in need of support herself. This woman has one thing that is always the first thing you notice as different between who I am now and her - she is NOT overweight and totally has that aspect of life under control.
Heh.
I don't think God wants me to beat myself up the rest of my life. However, I do think He has a certain habit of taking our messed up selves and scars and wretched habits into something for His glory. I think that's exactly what He'd like to do with this in my life - my weight can be a weight of glory instead - if you will.
I can't do it without Him. I keep thinking I can. I cannot. It's too big for me. I must submit this to Him everyday - NOT OUT OF GUILT, but out of humility and out of acknowledgment that I need Him.
It might feel like guilt sometimes, but I pray that You help me to understand and have wisdom to know the difference between gentle chastisement and guidance, over guilt.
* I'll start praying before I eat to submit the food to His hands.
* I'll start my days on my knees to give thanks for the new day and possibilities, and to ask for strength to live for Him today.
* I'll repeat certain verses and thoughts to myself that tell me what He thinks about me, not what I or the world thinks.
* I'll start keeping this journal in order to try and pinpoint other ways I can submit better to Him in the health department, as well as other ways.
* I'll pray, and choose Him, because my choices matter, and I matter because of Him.
Father,
Thank you for this reminder and glimpse into something beautiful that You can do with me. I pray for humility to the core, and that my heart accepts Your task for me in joy and not bitterness. Give me wisdom to accept guidance, but not misplaced guilt. Give me ears to hear You and Your words, and a heart open enough to let them change my life and crumble the walls I use to try and keep me safe. I pray that You keep me safe and give me strength, and that I stop looking for it elsewhere. Help me to understand when it's just simply a choice to not eat the cookie, and when it's a bigger spiritual battle than that going on behind the scenes. Help me remember and believe that every choice either takes me a step closer to You, or a step farther away. Change and mold my heart to want to submit to You, and accept my cross and "thorns" in life. Otherwise, You can't do anything with me. You have the ability to make things, including being fat, into beautiful things - only if I am willing to let You take center stage and the praise for such accomplishments in my life. It's got to be all You. I ask for forgiveness for constantly wanting it for myself instead. Please continue to humble me and help me understand that You deserve it all - all the glory, praise, and affirmation. Help me understand the difference between low self-esteem, and humility with Christ. I am Your Daughter - this gives me life and dignity, not the good things that I do. You do those good things through me, or are the reason and strength that enable to do them. It's hard not accept affirmation that isn't mine - but I pray that You help me do so, and to give it back to You where it belongs. It's so hard Father. Give me wisdom to understand how to accept compliments and let them uplift my heart and self-esteem without becoming prideful, and always giving glory to You. I don't know how to do this.
I want my weight loss and health to glorify You - I really do Father. I want it to be a way to minister to others and encourage others towards You. I pray that it does.
Now, help me shake the dust off my feet, and move forward in Your strength; give me guidance and maturity. We have a goal waiting for us! And another one after that... and another... and the journey goes on...
